


Violet

by koolmcr



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Canon Lesbian Character, Coming Out, F/F, Lesbian Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:28:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28879485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koolmcr/pseuds/koolmcr
Summary: Holding Riley’s tags in her hand for the millionth goddamn time, she whispers.“I’m gay.”It feels weird on her tongue.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie - Relationship, Ellie/Riley (The Last of Us)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 68





	Violet

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written fanfic in a decade but something about the idea of Ellie's lesbianism gets my brain going "you gotta write about this!" I've never been interested in the whole "oh she's gay but we don't have to talk about it love is love it's the same as a guy and girl" thing. The lesbian experience is different, even if it is the post apocalypse. And thus here we are.

Math seemed a bit pointless in Ellie’s mind. All you’d need it for was counting to make sure the ration inventory was right and how many were left dead after a Firefly attack. Who gave a shit about finding the circumference of a circle? They weren’t in school for that- they were there to learn to be soldiers, or get dumped off into the general population. And it seemed pretty unlikely that either group was gonna be trying to figure out how big a goddamn circle was.

But here she was in a sticky hot classroom, sharing a rotting math book with some smelly jackass while the teacher stood next to the cracked chalkboard explaining the supposed importance of shapes’ mathematical properties. Ellie couldn’t give less of a shit. She started doodling her own shapes that were way more important on the scrap of paper in front of her; a dinosaur with teeth as pointy as the loose nails she’d snag herself on, a rocket ship she saw in a poster once.

Usually, nothing could shake her once she entered drawing mode. Not even this idiot next to her staring at what she’s doing. Well, maybe the staring was getting on her nerves and making her feel self conscious a little. There’s other things to look at, the notes on the chalkboard for one. Goddamn. His breath smelled like literal shit. Couldn’t he be more subtle if he was going to leer at her like that? Fuck.

His knee brushed against her and that was it. “What the fuck do you want?” she growls, baring her teeth ever so slightly.

His brows furrowed, whispering “What’s got your panties in a twist? I wasn’t doing anything.”

“ _You_ were staring at me. Fuck off.”

“Yeah, in your dreams you fuckin’ lesbo.”

He sneered the word _lesbo_ like it was the worst word his peanut brain could conjure up to call her. She’d never heard the word before, but the way he said it made her stomach drop a little. Like she was in the wrong. Maybe like _she_ was wrong. He crossed his arms and spit on her paper, smudging up the little lead rockets.

Fuck this. She grabbed the rusty circle drawing thing on their shared desk and stabbed him in the knee as hard as she could considering the cramped space. He yelped out a bunch of cusses and Ellie ended up in the headmaster’s office. She tried to explain her case, but the only good that did her was a detention sentence to wash the blood and guts off the military trucks for the next month.

She tried to looked up “lesbo” later in a dictionary she found in one of the classrooms, but couldn’t find it. The closest she found was “lesbian” which meant “the reputed homosexual group associated with the poet Sappho of Lesbos” and “a female homosexual.”

Who the fuck was Sappho and what the fuck was a homosexual? She didn’t have time to look those up before that shit breath motherfucker found her and tried to jump her. She threw the book at him.

* * *

Things with Riley got better when they had gotten back from their adventure meeting the Fireflies. They were good. Better than good.

She invited Ellie to sit with her and her friends during meal times, she gave her this awesome tape with all these lady singers whose voices made the back of Ellie’s head tingle, she laughed at every dumb little pun and held Elllie’s hand when they were rushing back to their rooms from visiting Winston.

It felt good.

It made her stomach hurt when Riley would be giving Tito her undivided attention as he was blabbering on about some dumb shit.

It made her break into sobs when she was finally by herself in the mall after all the interrogation from the assholes in charge after Riley ran away. She could’ve made it to the Fireflies. Could’ve been dead. Ellie didn’t know, and she cried.

Whispers followed her in the mess hall for the first week or two; “They were _lesbians_ , right?” “Ellie is such a _dyke_.” She didn’t have the energy to dignify any of these with a response, let alone bother figuring out what a dyke was. She felt like she was shot through her stomach and no one could get all her entrails and organs back in and sew her up. She missed Riley. She had a friend, a _best_ friend. Someone to share her thoughts with who gave a damn about them, someone to hug who wouldn’t give her too much shit for wanting to in the first place, someone who she wanted to spend all her time with. Even if she had to scrub the bathrooms until they were sparkling, Ellie would’ve done it if that meant getting to spend a few minutes with her. She’d never had that kind of bond with someone before. And now that Riley was gone...she was empty. Back to the usual bullshit with nothing, no one, to cut through it.

* * *

She didn’t know where they were. Somewhere far from where Henry and Sam got buried, but not quite to Joel’s brother. Iowa, maybe? Wherever the fuck that was. They were trying to stay away from cities but they needed supplies.

They ended up in a building filled with books and colorful flags. Everything having the obvious apocalyptic hell sheen on it, but the flags still looked vibrant and made her smile a bit.

“Hey Joel?”

“Mmm?”

“What’s with all these rainbows?”

He paused going through some desk drawers, a little grimace on his face. Did he not know? He was a fucking dinosaur, he knew most things about all the shit she asked about.

“It’s a, uh, gay pride thing.”

“Oh...what’s gay pride?”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “Men who liked men, Women who liked women, that kinda stuff. Bein’ upfront about it. They had parades and the rainbow was their symbol. They made up flags and stickers and such.”

Later on, she sat awake thinking about what he’d told her. Gay pride. Men who liked men, women who liked women. That didn’t make much sense to her. Ellie liked men. She liked Joel. She liked Sam, Henry, maybe not so much Bill. But she thought they were alright. She didn’t hate them. She liked women too. She liked Tess, Marlene, Riley.

Riley.

 _Riley_.

She kissed Riley. Yeah, it was a “thank you for not leaving” sort of thing. She didn’t mean to. Her stomach felt all fluttery remembering it. She felt sorry for doing it until Riley smiled at her.

And then they got bit. And they held hands as they waited. And Riley turned. And Ellie didn’t.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

She liked Riley, even if she could be a huge asshole and leave for 46 days. She wanted to be with her every second. And she kissed her.

A few tears started to fall from her cheeks onto the ground. Maybe she loved her? She loved her...she loved her. She loved her. She still loves her, even if she’s mindless and monstrous in a mall too many miles away.

Love. What did that even mean? She wishes she had a dictionary. The feeling is too big and she can’t hold it. She doesn’t know what it even _fucking_ means! No one ever told her they loved her. She’s said it before, but like she _loved_ being on the horse circle moving thing at the mall. She really enjoyed it and made her feel good. So she really enjoyed Riley and Riley made her feel good? That seemed about right, yeah. But that felt too simple. Loving something isn’t the same as loving someone.

She brought her bag over and opened it. One of the colorful flags she found earlier lay behind Riley’s tag and her mom’s letter. Something bright to look at and feel good once in a while.

* * *

Jackson had maybe a dozen or so people her age. She felt awkward. The last time she had positively interacted with anyone younger than Joel and Tommy was Sam. She just preferred to stay in her house and draw, listen to her tapes. Not turn over Riley’s tags in her hands every free minute.

Dina was with her on farm rotation the last few times. She was okay. Ellie thought she was kind of annoying, paid too much attention to her. It made her uncomfortable. She was newer, yeah. But she didn’t think there was much more to say after explaining how she and Joel got there. This girl wouldn’t quit though. She wanted to know her favorite color, if she had any siblings, if she’d ever seen a movie.

“Maybe once when I was at military school. Not a lot of electricity to be spared for that sort of thing.”

“Oh, you have _got_ to come with me after work. We’re all having a movie night at Jesse’s place!”

“Eh, I don’t know.”

“Come on Ellie! It’ll be good! I promise. I’ll make you some popcorn.”

“What?”

“Popcorn. Like...this hard corn that you heat up and it gets all soft. You ever been inside a movie theater?”

“Ah, nope.”  
  
“Well, come to Jesse’s tonight and you’ll get the effect,” she winks.

Something about her doing that makes Ellie’s insides freeze.

Despite her sketchbook calling her, she goes. She greets all the other teenagers she’s seen around town but she can’t remember their names. Dina gives her a hug. It gives her that frozen feeling again.

The movie starts and Ellie’s parked on the floor in front of the couch. It’s something about a guy being bitten by a spider. The popcorn tastes good, at least.

A girl enters the living room about a half hour later. Everyone says hi, where have you been, blah blah blah. Her name is Cat. She plops down next to Ellie. She likes that she doesn’t talk throughout it and tells everyone to shut the fuck up. She introduces herself when they’re all about to leave.

“Ellie, huh? Nice to meet you. Maybe I’ll see you around?”

“Yeah, probably.”

They see each other around all the fucking time over the next week. How did Ellie not see her before?

Cat invites her to come over to her house to hang out, draw together. Ellie is way more eager to than with anything Dina asks her to do. Dina’s cool and all, but she makes Ellie feel weird. Like she’s trying really hard to be her friend. They are friends. But Dina wants to be _best_ friends or something.

The first thing she notices is the colorful flag draped over the window of Cat’s bedroom, a makeshift curtain that brought rainbows to the room when the sun shines in.

“Oh hey, I have a small one of those.”

“Yeah?” Cat’s giving her a look

“Yeah. I like the colors.”

“Mmm. I like having it up. It makes me feel...I don’t know, a part of something bigger than me. I guess Jackson is bigger than me, but not everyone here _gets_ me, you know? I like to daydream sometimes what it would be like to be alive before all this and meet other people like me. But...I guess that dream is coming true, huh?” She winks.

“Huh?”

“Ellie, you’re gay right?”

Her guts freeze again.

“Oh uh, I don’t know.”

“Have you ever kissed another girl? Or do you really just have a gay flag because it looks cool?”

She doesn’t want to think about Riley. Or talk about her. Or tell anyone else about her.

“Ellie?”

“Can I ask a dumb question?”

“Sure?”

“Does gay mean the same thing as lesbian and homosexual?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Okay.”

She stays quiet mostly until it’s time to leave, avoiding Cat’s eyes and lingering questions. Walking back home she remembers all the times she’s been called a lesbian. She guessed for a while that dyke probably meant the same thing since people said them the same way. And those never sounded too good, not as good as Cat had said “gay.” There were so many different words for the same thing.

Holding Riley’s tags in her hand for the millionth goddamn time, she whispers.

“I’m gay.”

It feels weird on her tongue.

“I’m a homosexual.”

Still weird.

“I’m a lesbian.”

She sighs. She doesn’t know if she can get used to it. Does it even matter? The only person she ever loved was Riley. The only person she ever kissed was Riley. And she’s pretty much dead now and it feels like it was a fucking mistake. Cat gives her fluttery feelings, and Dina kind of does too when she smiles...she likes them. But what does that mean? Does she want to kiss them? See them naked? Have...sex? That’s what you do when you meet someone around your age that you like spending time with, right? That’s what happened in that movie she saw last week, well kissing anyway. It’s not somewhere she wants her mind to go.

* * *

"You know, when I first met you I thought you were kind of...a lot. I wasn’t comfortable with all the attention you gave me.”

“What? Ellie, come on. Give me some credit. Someone had to bust you out of that iron shell you got yourself stuck in, you little hermit crab.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m just a big soft crab vulnerable to everything now.”

“Vulnerable to me and my wiles,” Dina kisses her on the cheek and shifts to squeeze herself between the back of the couch and Ellie.

“When did you know? That you wanted to kiss me? That you liked me?”

“I liked you since you came walking in the gate. Kiss you...maybe when you started going out with Cat. I was really jealous, you know.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Ellie bites her lip. Cat taught her a lot. Gave her books, showed her movies. Definitely more help than a dictionary or Joel ever was. She still cared about her, but something had broken there. Well, yeah obviously since they’d broken up. She couldn’t hate or even dislike her first girlfriend, even if they had decided they weren’t in love anymore. But they felt like a broken bone that hadn’t been set. She still wanted to be friends, wanted to be around someone who understood her.

“I probably had a crush on you before then, anyway. I just didn’t realize it.”

“Huh.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“You already did. You keep doing that.”

“Ha ha. Very observant. I just was wondering...did it really bother you when Seth came after us last night? Were you really going to do something if Joel hadn’t?”

God, who knows? Seth wasn’t the only asshole that made her feel like her very existence was wrong. There were plenty of old shitheads like that around town, gave her and Cat shit. Though not a lot of them were ballsy enough to call them dykes to their faces. It’s usually all about family and kids not needing to see that. It made her a little sick to think about. If she had seen two girls kissing when she was a kid maybe she wouldn’t have taken so long to figure out everything. Maybe the concept of love, the kind of love she felt, wouldn’t have been hidden away in old books barely anyone bothered to save.

“I mean, maybe. Not the first time, not gonna be the last time. I’ve gotten used to it but it still sucks, still want to show those assholes what’s what.”

“Yeah. I guess so. I’ve never been called that before. It feels...bad.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Maybe I’ll get used to it too.” Another classic Dina wink. So free, like the air.

“You shouldn’t have to. I mean the world fucking ended and people are still out there judging other people for being gay? There is way more serious shit to worry about, like getting killed for one.”

Ellie sits up. Storm clouds are fucking crashing down on her. She should still be feeling good. She might be in love with Dina. And she doesn’t want her to get harassed. No. Ellie is the dyke. Not Dina. Dina’s nice and wonderful, Ellie is scrappy and stupid.

* * *

“What’s with all the rainbows?”

They’re in another one of those bookstores. Ellie hadn’t been in one since she was on the road with...Joel.

Another pang of sadness and rage to add to the pile, a pile that would hopefully be cleaned up when they left this shitty city.

“See what you can find around here,” Ellie doesn’t want to get distracted.

“Ellie, look”

Dina is standing next to a book stand with a bunch of copies of...Sorority Secrets. Ugh. Cat made her read that one.

“It’s us, right?”

Fuck she was cute. Ellie’s heart swells a little bit. Even if Sorority Secrets was god awful, she remembers that same feeling of recognition when Cat showed it to her. That she wasn’t alone. Wasn’t a freak...a dyke.

Seth still never got his due. Maybe she should’ve let Joel knock him out. Yet another bad feeling to add to the pile.

“Come on, let’s stay focused.”

“You’re right.”

Dina is still in awe of the whole place. Flipping through books, looking at the posters and flags all on the wall. Ellie wonders what she thinks. She probably killed the mood to ask, walking the line between this quest for revenge and a new relationship is fucked up.

Out of the corner of her eye while she’s rummaging, she swears she sees Dina take a little rainbow magnet and put it in her bag. It makes her smile.

* * *

Ellie never thought the “domestic” life was a possibility.

Most of her life was spent just surviving. Taking it one day at a time. Never putting down roots.

She didn’t think she’d have a kid to take care of, that she’d live long enough to or that it was even a possibility with being a lesbian and all. She didn’t think she’d live in a house with her kid and her wife. She did fantasize about that last part sometimes though. The thought of having a wife made her toes tingle. Marriage wasn’t really a whole official thing these days, not like she’d read about in old books. There’s not really priests, or a government handing out documents to say you’re married to someone. She’d read that last part wasn’t even really a thing for people like her and Dina.

So one day they just decided they were married. Why not? They’d been through a green, rainy hell and came back. They cleared out and built a safe home together, the magnet Dina took from the bookstore on the fridge, unfortunately along with a copy of Sorority Sisters on one of their shelves. Dina gave birth to a son and no way was Ellie gonna be known as “Aunt Ellie” or just “Ellie” or anything less than mom. So why not be married? “Wife” sounded better to Ellie’s ears nowadays than “girlfriend” did, anyway.

They tended to the sheep, the vegetable garden. They loved JJ with their whole hearts. They loved each other. When she’d go to Jackson to get some supplies and people’d whisper about her and Dina while she walked by, Ellie didn’t care. She had a love of her own. She knew what love was. She’d learned it through Riley, Cat, and Dina. Through clinical definitions in books, what people called her with disdain, what was proudly said in notes and diaries she’d picked up while surviving.

It felt good that at least when Joel was alive he understood, that Jesse understood. That she has Dina and JJ, still talks to Cat when in town. Hell, maybe she’ll come across more people like her. Maybe people who called her a “dyke” will die out. Being a lesbian felt good.


End file.
